Whose fault is this Brexit chaos?

When Theresa May awakes from whatever restless minutes of sleep she can grab, she must feel that Brexit is making every day hellishly and inexplicably the same.

But before she decides to hunt down and throttle Punxsatawney Phil in a bid to bring her suffering to an end, it might be an idea to check just who is responsible for the neverending torture of GroundMogg Day.

Because, oh my, there are a LOT of contenders for this particular crown of sh*t-dripping thorns.

1. David Cameron

It’s easy to blame Dishface, because hiding his well-covered form in his shepherd’s hut and having to keep a safe distance from piglets makes him an easy target.

But for those who have forgotten, it is this well-polished human turd who promised, during the referendum campaign, that he would trigger Article 50 of the Lisbon Treaty immediately if the vote was to Leave.

The Leave campaign, on the other hand, promised it would not. But having curled it out on the national stage, Dishface made Article 50 a political necessity.

So certain was he that Remain would win he refused to allow the civil service to prepare for Article 50, an act later described as "an act of gross negligence" for which we have been paying ever since.

2. Theresa May

This poor cow gets the blame for everything, despite arguably having managed the best anyone could with the be-spaffed sow’s ear she was gifted by her predecessor. But having taken over from him a month after the referendum, she did a bunch of stupid things.

She said "Leave means Leave", when leaving cleanly was never possible without amputating Northern Ireland and watching it explode. Even before she lost her slim majority, she bent her knee to the extremist headbangers demanding a "definitive" act to cement the referendum result which was, even then, looking shakier than an alcoholic Elvis impersonator.

She wrote to the EU triggering Article 50, setting a two-year deadline for a task that was impossible, unwinnable, and unsellable. And the courts promptly told her that was illegal because she was not a medieval monarch who ruled by divine right, and it must be approved by Parliament.

3. The House of Commons

Having been instructed to exert its sovereignty, the House of Commons took back control by agreeing with the PM.

The entire Tory party, the DUP and 89% of Labour voted to trigger Article 50. The supporters included red and blue front benches, and the big names who have complained since about the clock which they wound up – Corbyn, Watson, Thornberry, Hammond, Johnson, Mogg.

Last night, pretty much the same people voted against the best deal that could be come up with in the two-year limit they had set – like turkeys voting against veganism on Christmas Eve.

Tonight, you can bet your bottom dollar the same MPs will divide into those prepared to go against the will of the people and exit WITHOUT a deal, and those who want to hit snooze on the alarm they once thought so important.

4. Idiots

Let’s also blame – after all, why should anyone be immune? – people who voted for something they didn’t understand and didn’t research. Let’s blame people who said "worl, Norvern Ireland is fine now, innit?" Let’s blame the north east, the Welsh, Cornwall, car factory workers, racists, Islamophobes and everyone else who put a ‘X’ in a box without realising the decision would bite them on the arse like a great white who’s been on a diet since Amity Island.

Except, well, every vote is like that. We don’t all read all the leaflets, we don’t all vote asking ourselves how this would affect Belfast or Bognor or Billericay.

But this was not a normal vote. It was not legally-binding, it sold no policies, and none of us would ever vote for the importation of blood products, distemper vaccines or fissile material to given to the sort of firm blamed for the Great KFC Chicken Shortage.

5. Russian trolls

Previous votes did not involve fake news, Facebook malgorithms, St Petersburg troll factories and data theft enabling direct social media advertising of absolute bollocks.

Facebook was only born in 2004; the Electoral Commission had yet to get around to outlawing some of this stuff, or requiring candidates to declare it. This enabled a free-for-all that tossed facts out of the window and capitalised on what was already an instinctive, emotional, impulse vote. They told you to vote for what you FEEL, and made you feel under attack.

Oh, and on top of that, it also saw the grossest breach of campaign finance rules in British history. The only reason no-one was jailed for it and a re-vote ordered was because the referendum wasn’t legally-binding.

It is noticeable that, having done their utmost to make Brexit as unlikely, chaotic and damaging as possible, the Brexit campaigners are doing the most blaming. We will be waiting a while for Moneybags Mogg and What Japes Johnson to admit any responsibility for the shambles they did a lot to orchestrate.

This was a vote undertaken in circumstances of insanity.

The Tory party lost its purpose in a row about the French, Labour lost is way in a row about Communism, and Parliament had its teeth knocked out by Tony Blair, were handed a set of dentures by the Supreme Court, and has since devoted itself to gnawing its own feet off.

Voters lost their minds arguing with each other, the internet warped like the Starship Enterprise on an LSD bender, and the pro-Brexit pot-wallopers were obnoxious, obstreperous, and obstructive.

Theresa May, bless her socks, has done all she can to destroy her own premiership and thereby divest herself of the filled nappy that Brexit has hung around her neck. It seems to be throttling her at present, after which we can only hope it move on to more deserving victims.

We’re on course for another vote, which should really thrill all those who crow about the will of the people although strangely they seem quite angry about it.

Whether it’s a referendum or a general election, we can only hope that this time our politicians locate both butt checks, remove their craniums from within them, and find the brainpower necessary to write the legislation needed to require a minimum turnout and minimum majority.

Had they done that 3 years ago, we wouldn’t be in this purgatorial cesspit, in which chaos and indecision empty their bowels on us while two pensioners bitch about who’d be best at making things worse.

The politicians think the people got us into this mess, and the people blame the politicians. GroundMogg Day will only come to an end when we stop shouting and start talking about how to kill it.

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