Opinion | Dishes for Surviving Thanksgiving

This Thanksgiving, families across this great nation will meet at the dinner table and try to bridge, or ignore, sharp political divisions for the duration of one meal. Some families may welcome an open and honest discussion across ideological lines, while others might ban topics that could end up causing trouble.

No matter where your family falls on this spectrum, you might need some help. So we’ve put together a Thanksgiving menu with an eye toward more subtle forms of communication. Because if you’re not going to talk about your feelings, you may as well eat them.

Caldron-Brined Turkey

Bored of the same old brine year after year? Spice things up by adding some eye of newt, leg of frog and Devil’s broth into a large caldron. Let your turkey sit in the concoction overnight while you whisper dark incantations. A witch can’t hunt on an empty stomach.

Drain-the-Swamp Juice

Turn your Thanksgiving favorites into a fun family activity and a drink. Simply combine stuffing, gravy, cranberry sauce and whatever else you want in a cup and serve with a straw. Whoever drains the swamp fastest wins a second helping.

Half-Baked Potatoes

Much like your weird uncle’s theories about everything from immigration and climate change to the actual shape of our planet, this undercooked dish will be very difficult to swallow.

The Casserole Liberals Want

You don’t have to do everything yourself. Ask for help! Specifically, ask that same weird uncle to bake the casserole he thinks you want. Expect avocado toast, bits of tofu, Sour Patch Kids, Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, L.S.D., and, of course, Medicare for All.

‘Both Sides' Sides:

Brussels sprouts and a bowl of toxic waste. Which side is better? Which is worse? No one will be able to decide, or even tell the difference between these two equally stunning preparations.

99 Percent Pie

Cut one tiny sliver from your pumpkin pie. Divide that sliver even further and distribute among your family. The rest of the pie should go directly to your wealthiest relative. He’ll now decide whether to share it, mark it up and resell it, or just keep it in some vault until he dies.

Leftovers (for Sale)

Everyone loves Thanksgiving leftovers piled high on a sandwich the day after the big meal. Why not have your family members demonstrate that love by paying a small fee for a doggy bag of everything they didn’t eat? If your little nephew can’t afford it, encourage him to start a GoFundMe. It’s time he learned that America is more than a country — it’s a business. Why shouldn’t family be too?

Walter Green, a designer, is the author of the forthcoming “How to Eat Everything.” Victor Kerlow is an artist and professor at the School of Visual Arts.

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