Dear celebrities: Stop making coronavirus all about you

While much of the United States is on lockdown, scared or bored out of their wits, broke and newly unemployed, many celebrities, TV personalities and “influencers” are behaving like Nero, fiddling while Rome burned.

The hordes of the entitled aren’t quite sure how to behave. Everything has changed. How will they be aspirational? How can they show America that they too are in pain, struggling and therefore relatable/likable? Many of them have dug deep into their shallow psyches and bravely tried to show us their burden either via their own television shows or social media channels to get their daily dose of crowd-sourced dopamine. And it’s … horrific.

Yeah, I’m talking to you Ellen DeGeneres. Earlier this month, Ellen taped her show from inside one of her palatial mansions and complained: “This is like being in jail.” I would happily offer to switch places with poor Ellen while she holes up in my tiny three-room apartment and I spread out in her multi-tiered fantasy pad. Or take Kelly Ripa — who started crying because although she is lucky enough to isolate at her huge home with her healthy children, those mean kids won’t let her hug them. At one point, Ripa even used that lousy excuse (used by misogynists everywhere to “explain” female behavior): “Maybe I’m just getting my period.”

Meanwhile, social media is bursting with tone-deaf celebrities trying to “inspire” us with nearly nude sexy photos while the rest of us pack on the COVID-19 pounds. There are the usual suspects like Emily Ratajkowski and her husband posing naked on what looks like a toilet. Or Bella Hadid who posted a shot of herself casually lounging poolside in a teeny bikini while her BFF, Kendall Jenner, spends self-isolation chilling in her underwear for all of us to endure.

Even D-listers want in on the nude attention: Ex-tennis star Ashley Harkleroad went naked to save “money on clothes” — riiiiight — and the ever-thirsty UFC contestant Paige VanZant and husband Austin Vanderford still insist on stripping off every day despite a fan backlash. Having to be sexy all the damn time smacks not of body positivity but low self-esteem — and a constant need for the public peanut gallery to cheer them on. I refuse.

Many so-called “influencers” have gone crying to media outlets like The New York Times, Bloomberg, Business Insider, and Digiday because their money is drying up — although some have found a way to milk the viral opportunity. According to the Daily Beast, “’The Bachelor’ franchise alum and fitness coach Krystal Nielson recently suggested that there’s one easy way to avoid contracting the virus: Sign up for her two-week detox program!”

Then there are the people with zero percent body fat showing me how FUN it is to work out at home and cool “tips” on how to lose weight like Rita Ora, Kate Bosworth (using a device that looks more like a sex toy than anything else), Tracee Ellis Ross (who can apparently afford a home treadmill — good for you!), Jessica Alba dancing inside her home gym (sob) and hordes of others. I am not interested. I’m just gonna do some old Jane Fonda workout videos, do bicep curls using cans of beans I hope to never have to eat and lunge for the wine bottle come five o’clock.

In the same vein are the Rich Kids of the Internet on Instagram, many of whom are wealthy because their parents are venal dictators, oligarchs or hucksters, who now have to wear face masks (!) and stay on a yacht alone (!), pose by a pool alone (!), and can’t take their hideously ugly and expensive cars out of their garage during lock-down. I hope they all get boils.

Then, of course, there’s Gisele Bundchen, the supermodel who, while promoting Global Meditation, posted a pic of herself in front of a beautiful pool and waterfall as she extolled the importance of being Zen. Which is easy to do when you’re not losing your job, have millions in the bank and are healthy. She also posted a romantic video of her and Ken-doll husband Tom Brady riding horses while talking about balance in one’s marriage. Yaaaaay for you, Gisele. Now go away.

Not everybody is awful. Thank God for Leslie Jordan whose Instagram antics brighten my day. People like Sarah Silverman cheering from her balcony in a bathroom while banging on pots and pans for healthcare heroes, grocery store workers and delivery people, and that sweet angel Tyler Perry paying for elderly people’s groceries have warmed my heart and brought a tear to my eye. I’m even down with Naomi Watts’ breakdown over her home appliances failing (I mean, we can all relate to that.)

Everyone else — turn off your recording devices, stop making it all about you and try to empathize with the 99.99 percent of the rest of us… by just going silent and not being a jerk.

It won’t last forever, I promise. But our memory of your insane behavior will.

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