PIERS MORGAN: Hypocrite Harry and wife Meghan’s Radio Woke podcast is almost beyond parody but here goes… (brought to you by a well-known treatment for anal irritants)
So, Meghan and Harry are doing a podcast.
Of course they are…!
The one thing the world definitely needs right now is those two absurd ultra-woke freeloading chancers giving us yet more of their views on life from the sanctity of their $11 million Californian mansion.
As with everything the Duke and Duchess of Sussex seem to do these days, their new commercial venture appears to be driven by large dollops of narcissism, hypocrisy and greed.
Once again, they’ve shamelessly – some might say shamefully – used their royal titles to help themselves to another gigantic amount of cash; this time, a deal with Spotify reported to be worth up to $30 million.
It follows their reputed $150 million deal with Netflix, the same company that’s currently trashing Harry’s entire family in The Crown.
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The couple will produce and host their own shows, starting with a holiday special that will be released this month. Harry and Meghan Markle are pictured above listening to a broadcast through headphones at Reprezent 107.3FM in Pop Brixton on January 9, 2018 in London.
And it comes the day after Meghan announced she’s invested in a ‘vegan oatmeal latte’ firm named Clevr Blend – an investment that she immediately made massively more profitable by getting her recently-acquired billionaire mate Oprah Winfrey to plug it on her TV show.
The Sussexes are thus making themselves very rich very quickly by trading off their association with the Royal Family, despite quitting Britain and royal duty because they didn’t want to do any of the menial tasks that other royals have to do to justify all the perks that come with their titles.
Frankly, and I’ve said this many times, it stinks.
Meghan (pictured left) appeared on CNN on Monday to thank the ‘quiet heroes’ of the pandemic as it emerged that she had invested in an oat ‘superlatte’ company. Meghan’s ‘neighbor’ Oprah (pictured right) promoted the brand on her Instagram page – a favor that experts believe is worth millions of dollars in free publicity
Meghan and Harry have turned into the most god-awful royal grifters, cynically exploiting their royal status to line their own pockets.
And then there’s their laughably hypocrisy.
We were informed they were leaving Britain and the Royal Family because they were desperate for privacy, especially for their son Archie.
Yet all they’ve done ever since is constantly jabber away in public, craving media attention like a pair of desperate reality TV stars, and ruthlessly use their son’s name as a branding tool – naming their charity Archewell, and now their podcast Archewell Audio.
None of this would bother me if they gave up the royal titles, but they won’t because they know that without them, they’d be lucky to get $100 for recording celebrity birthday messages on Cameo.
But at least they’ve giving us all a good laugh too as they descend ever deeper into the abyss of toe-curling regal snout-troughing.
Honestly, when I first heard the promotional trailer for their new podcast, I assumed it was a spoof.
It was like when President Trump suggested we all inject ourselves with bleach to cure Covid-19. How can that not be a joke?
And yet Trump was being deadly serious, with potentially deadly consequences.
Just as Meghan and Harry are now being deadly serious about their desire to make the world a better place with their soothing words of inspiration, when in fact the only people likely to end up in a better place from their inane word-salad twaddle are of course themselves.
It’s almost impossible to parody their whimpering, giggling, cringe-making load of old guff in the Spotify trailer.
I mean, where do you start when two people who’ve turned their backs on most of their own families now lecture us about the urgent need to show more ‘kindness and compassion’?
But I’m going to try.
Here then is my sneak preview of the Duke and Duchess of Sussex’s first podcast.
Prince Harry: ‘Hi guys, I’m Harry!’
Meghan Markle: ‘Not ‘guys’, darling, PERSONS.’
PH: ‘Yes, of course, sorry to everyone I just offended. Anyway, I’m got a glass in my hand of brain-boosting, mood-lifting, mind-clearing medicinal Clevr Blend vegan oatmeal chai matcha and it’s delicious!’
MM: ‘That’s my guy!’
PH: ‘With our new Archewell Audio podcast, we hope to keep Archie’s name out of the press and do small things that make a real difference, like saving the entire planet from extinction with our war on carbon footprints.’
MM: ‘One private jet at a time…..hahahahaha!’
PH: (Laughs loudly at his wife’s hilarious joke then suddenly stops) ‘Isn’t that very hypocritical?’
MM: ‘Not if WE do it, honey.’
PH: ‘Right. Of course. We’re also here to teach you about kindness and compassion.’
MM: ‘Unless it’s my father, he can go f*ck himself.’
PH: ‘Or my brother, the stuck-up little tw*t.’
MM: ‘Jeez, don’t get me started on siblings. Remember how I had to disown all mine to make room at the wedding for our new incredibly close celebrity friends like Oprah, the Clooneys and that footballer…what’s his name?’
PH: ‘David Beckham.’
MM: ‘Right, Davie Badman – the one with the ludicrous, grasping, attention-seeking, pouty wife?’
PH: ‘Aren’t all wives like that?’
MM: Long intense silence. ‘No.’
The couple’s newly formed Archewell Audio will produce programming that ‘uplifts and entertains audiences around the world’ and features ‘diverse perspectives and voices’
PH: ‘I’m so, so, so sorry. Please forgive me, my little vegan oatmeal chai cupcake?’ (starts to whimper and cry).
MM: ‘Only if you land me that Disney movie lead role you’ve been trying but failing to blag me. Now, I want to talk about privacy. It’s outrageous how the media keep intruding into the very private lives that we wanted here in America.’
PH: ‘Terrible! Every time we release our daily hostage videos preaching about equality from our 16-bathroom home, they write about it!’
MM: ‘And some of them don’t even suck up to us with unctuous sycophantic praise like the authors of our brilliant book Finding Freedom that we had nothing to do with despite being forced to admit in court that in fact, we did. It’s a disgrace!’
PH: ‘It’s so disgusting. Don’t they know we’re allowed to invade our privacy every day and they have to do exactly what we tell them?’
MM: ‘They. Never. Even. Ask. If. I’m. OK.’
PH: ‘Are you OK darling?’
MM: (Tensing) ‘Don’t patronise me with that sexist triggering language, Harry.’
PH: ‘I’m so, so, SO sorry. (cries again)
MM: ‘That’s OK darling.’ (pats him on the head).
PH: ‘Let’s talk about inclusivity.’
MM: ‘Yes, absolutely. It’s very important to remember that we’re all equal in God’s eyes.’
PH: ‘But some of us are more equal than others, right?’
MM: ‘No. We’re as equal as the poorest people on earth, because we feel their pain every day that we take a shower in one of our 16 bathrooms – or throw $500,000 baby-showers in New York!’
PH: ‘What if every single one of us was a dollar? And if every one of us cared, WHICH WE DO, we could drop those dollars onto the parched grounds of the poorest places and cure poverty! We should lead the way by dropping all the dollars Spotify are paying us for this podcast!’
MM: ‘Don’t be f*cking ridiculous. I have needs too.’
PH: ‘Of course, I’m so, so, so sorry. (cries again). What I meant was that we would spend it all on further investments in ludicrously expensive coffee firms that Oprah can plug on TV and make us even millions!’
MM: ‘Well, duh.’
PH: ‘Are you OK?’
MM: ‘I will be… WHEN YOU LAND ME THAT F*CKING DISNEY ROLE!’
PH: ‘I think we should go back to Britain next year and visit some ordinary little people to show how much care about them.’
MM: ‘No chance. Your country’s too cold and too small, and the media’s racist.’
PH: ‘Incredibly racist. They never stopped saying how great it was that I was marrying a mixed-race woman.’
MM: ‘Stop enabling racists!’
PH: ‘I’m so, so, so sorry. (cries again) It would just be nice to see my grandmother again before it’s too late.
MM: ‘The Queen? I’ll only go back when they put her crown on my head.’
PH: ‘That will never happen, we’re 6th on the royal succession cab rank now.’
MM: (smirking sinisterly) ‘At the moment. I’ve already told Netflix that’s how Season 8 of The Crown is going to end – or we take our royal-exploiting business to Amazon.’
PH: ‘Before we go, I’d just like to say how excited I am by Preparation H!’ The best-selling hemorrhoid medication that temporarily relieves swelling, burning, pain, and itching. They’ve very kindly paid $10 million to sponsor this podcast.’
MM: ‘Why did they want to be associated with us?’
PH: ‘Because they said we’re both a massive pain in the a**!’
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